Cancer Man - Linda Goodman

From Linda Goodman's book Sun Signs,

A taciturn expert at circumlocution he is. A scatterbrain and a chatterbox he is not. Don’t expect this man to bare his soul when he first meets you. Cancerians never confide in strangers, and there are certain things even their best friends don’t know. It will take a long time and a fair amount of patience to really know him. If you catch him in one of his cantankerous moods, you may not be very anxious to really know him, but try again. Don’t give up so easily.

He can be flirtations and fickle, but he can also be sensitive and loyal. Without warning, that wrinkled frown can be replaced by a gentle smile. His crabby complaints and gruff manner can warm slowly into a tender tone, just before he breaks into a deep chuckle, a muffled giggle or loud, hysterical lunar laughter. When he’s sad and wistful, you’ll want to put your arms around him, and soothe away his melancholy. When he’s showing off his sharp, intuitive mind, you’ll stare at him in awe. His caution will impress you. His pessimism will depress you.

He can be so courtly, courteous, and considerate, you half expect him to ask you to dance the Virginia Reel. There’s no question that he’s a romantic dreamer, yet he’s so sensible and practical, his enemies may call him “Old Marble Nose” behind his back. What do you do with a man like this?

You try to understand him. These aren’t changes of personality. They’re simply lunar moods, moving across his consciousness, here today – gone tomorrow. Both during and between each mood, the Cancer man is true to himself. His nature never deviates from its basic mold, despite the changes of expression that play on his features. Always try to remember that although a Cancerian’s manner can be rough and aloof, his heart is always soft and affectionate, and so full of sentiment it often makes him feel too vulnerable. The he crawls into his convenient shell (the one he carries with him at all times), safe for a while from his own emotions.

You’ll think he’s a real crab and give up when he retreats into injured silence. But the next time he cautiously peeks out to see the sunshine, you’ll be tempted all over again to get close to him.

Unfortunately, a Cancer male can be a regular wet dishrag now and then, disparaging everything and everybody, and splashing gloom in big, blue drops all over your ego. Yet, at other times he can be as funny as an orangutan with the hiccups. No wonder you don’t know whether to give him a cold shoulder or a warm hug. The temperature changes of a Cancerian could puzzle anyone. First you shiver under his freezing glances, then you get smothered with devotion. His moods are the meanest when he’s the most afraid of losing something. Maybe it’s you. Reassure him you’re his a thousand and one times. Words of love are music to his ears.

Of course, he may wade into one of his loony spells right in the middle of a tender scene some night under a full Moon. Just when you’re drifting away on lovely dreams, he may offer to tell you his favorite poem. You’ll sigh, lean back on his shoulder and close your eyes. Then he’ll crackle something like, “The stag at Eve had drunk his fill – where danced the Moon on Monan’s rill. He blew his nose and shined his shoes – and took a swig of Mountain booze!” It may jolt you out of your magic spell, but that full Moon can do strange things to the lunar emotions. What I mean is, he can be as nutty as a cuckoo, even if he is smart enough to make a million dollars and keep it.

I’m glad we brought up money. You will be too. If you’re the kind of girl who likes to pay the rent on time, you’re in love with exactly the right man. He’s almost as fond of security as he is of you. You may have a slight edge, but you can safely consider money your worst rival. He’s going to pursue it with dedication and a sort of quiet, religious fervor for most of his days. (The nights may bring other things to pursue.) It’s not the worst fate you could experience.

Finances have fascinated him since childhood, and saving will be substantially more attractive to him than spending. He’s not exactly stingy, but let’s say it’s not likely you’ll ever see him lighting his pipe with a dollar bill for a parlor trick.

Even the most poetic and dreamy Cancerians, who spend their lives immersed in music, art or other cultural pursuits, have a shrewd sense of the value of cash. A lunar artist may paint in an attic, but you needn’t send him any Care packages. There are probably some stocks and bonds hidden in the rafters. He won’t donate his paintings, either. He’ll sell them for a pretty price, if he’s a professional. But they’ll be worth it. When a Cancer person tackles a career, he’s sure to be at the top of it. He’s loaded with artistic talent. You might suggest that your Cancer man design your Christmas cards. They’re sure to be lovely, even if he’s only an amateur.

If he’s a true Cancerian, he won’t be wild about sports clothes. There’s a certain formality about his toilet. Whether he’s worth billions or only a few paltry thousands, he likes conservative cuts and good tailoring. He often leans to collar buttons (yes, they still sell them – to Cancerians). French cuffs and expensive shirts he gets wholesale, usually without monograms (too showy; he prefers to be inconspicuous). Even when he’s short of cash for a brief period while he’s working on his first million, his shoes will be polished and his socks will stay up. During any shaky financial period ( and it will be temporary), a Cancer male will somehow exude an air of genteel rich, or one who has known better days. If he hasn’t, he will. Fairly substantial amounts of money will someday come to this man, or he’ll be given the opportunity to earn large sums of it. He won’t always be wealthy, but a Cancerian in the unemployment line is as rare as a pineapple tree in Siberia. His secret motto is that “all play and no work gives Jack a skinny billfold,” and he prefers his wallets pleasingly plump.

Quality and thrift are synonymous to the Cancerians. There, I thought that would bring the sparkle back to your eyes.