From the blisteringly brilliant Cricket With Balls
There are some people who believe that Sehwagology is just a joke, that it isn’t a real religion, and that I just made it up.
Bullshit.
I may have named the spiritual practice, but this was a divine inspiration taken directly from the prophet.
Sehwagology is real, people, I can’t stress that enough.
I have used the sehwagology principles in my life and my strike rate for happiness has never been higher. True fact.
Others have used it too.
Sehwagology is the key to eternal happiness and stunning cover drives.
Generally our man does his best talking with a bat, but occasionally he gives a message with his mouth.
“When I play a cover-drive, I play it to score runs. I don’t play a shot to get out. So, if the cover-drive ends up in a catch at slip, I am spared criticism. If it ends up in the hands at covers, I am slammed. The shot attempted has remained the same, only the mode of dismissal is different.”Think about it.
Think hard.
Yeah, it’s real good.
I play it to score runs. So much wisdom, in such a small space.
In life, does it matter if you are caught at deep mid-wicket or short leg, you’re going to go out one way or another, maybe it should be going for your personal DLF Maximum.
Things that Sehwagology can help include: love, lust, money matters, problems with the kids, problems with your parents, batting and acne.
If you haven’t converted, think about cover drives, and you will be saved.
I’m not an expert on global politics, free markets, terrorism, or why people watch reality TV.
But I do know that all these things pale into insignificance when compared to Virender Sehwag’s innings.
Natalie Portman turns ugly.
George Clooney loses charm.
Dubya Bush makes sense.
Britney Spears puts knickers on.And Tony Greig is palatable after this innings.
It is the sort of innings that could turn Amelie Muaresmo straight and keep Warnie’s pee pee in his pants.
If it were a hot woman, you could not only not score with it, that if you were in the same room, your tool would melt.
It could start and end wars.
Upon viewing it Aliens would be afraid to invade.
If you had the colt 45 cocked and pointed at your mouth you would put it down and pick up a cricket bat.
Sehwag batted so well the earth started spinning in other directions.
No one has been this unkind to the saffers since Muhummad Ali turned his back on a young Barry Richards.
When the Africans were killed by tribes of Zulu’s it was nowhere near this brutal.
Batting at the other end was not a spectator sport, but a voyeuristic thrill ride through the realms of batting thought beyond those of mere mortals.
It was so good, there was a good 15 seconds when Sunil gavaskar didn’t bag white people, Bishen Bedi didn’t accuse everyone of being a chucker, and Navjot Sidhu made sense.
Yoko Ono and Paul McCartney had intercourse during his third hundred.
Palestinians invited Israelis around for a beer after a particular over of Ntini.
Anna Nicole Smith can back from the dead to give an Interview for ET, during the tea interval for maximum exposure.
Michael Moore went down on Dick Cheney. Nothing to do with Sehwag, just wanted to see if it was his bag.
The spice girls split up, after a fight over who would get to sleep with Sehwag.
Tom Cruise became a Sehwagologist.
And you know what, so should you.
And the cricinfo story,
Let us now worship Viru
Sehwag is no cricketer; he is a religion all by himself
Jarrod Kimber
December 4, 2009
December 4, 2009
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Related Links Players/Officials: Virender Sehwag Matches: India v Sri Lanka at Mumbai (BS) Series/Tournaments: Sri Lanka tour of India | ||
The credit crunch, global warming, Barack Obama's peace prize, Michael Jackson dying, and your favourite pop starlet being voted off some reality singing contest all seem like important events worthy of your time, thought and attention.
They are not. Your time, thought and attention should be dedicated to the cricket-themed religion that will enhance your spirit, make you better-looking and improve every single facet of your daily existence.
The religion is Sehwagology. Although some people like to think of it as an applied religious philosophy.
The 28th of March 2008 was a special date, and yet you may not know why. It was the day this new religion was born, and the one true prophet, Virender Sehwag, delivered it from the pitch in Chennai while bedaubed in the blood of the poor South African bowlers.
That day the prophet delivered 319 reasons to live your life the way he bats. See ball, hit ball.
It isn't complicated. There are no books you need to buy. You don't have to spend 10 years studying or praying. There is no need to be donating your hard-earned cash. No one is going to make you feel bad for doing it wrong. You can marry outside the faith. Practise your beliefs any day of the week. And you can eat whatever the hell you want.
It is simple and pure.
Everything you need to know is in one mantra. You just need to see the ball, and hit the ball. There is no need for doubt, panic or confusion.
Imagine every decision in your life is a cricket delivery coming down at you, then become Sehwag: see ball, hit ball. Maybe it is a tough one, an inswinging yorker - you just dig it out. The next one is a wide one and you slap it over cover. The one after that is wide too, and you miss it. Never mind, there will be more. There is always more. You will miss some and you will hit some, but don't fret about the ones you miss, and don't dine out on the ones you hit. What more do you need to know about life?
He is the zen master of hitting. Nothing fazes him. Every ball is a new ball. A mystery ball is treated the same way as a slower ball: he sees it, he hits it.
On the second day of this Test he screamed in the ear of the doubters. Wielded a club to the head of the non-believers. And threw a nuke bomb at the groin of the heretics. It was as if he was playing a magical game of cricket where there were no fielders, no bowlers, no non-striker, just him, his mantra, and lots of runs.
Whether you are a millionaire, a pauper, a freegan, a vegan, someone who sells stolen mobile phone chargers, or Tom Cruise, Sehwagology can help you.
It is the alpha and omega of religions; can you really afford to live without it?
More Sehwagology here
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